there's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
Don't effin' blame the chef!

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

this scared the hell out of me

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

i actually held my breath for 10 seconds while reading the results. i really should follow my new year's resolutions. scary.

*.* as if! @ 9:48:00 PM • • RBJ
Happy New Year!!!

*.* as if! @ 6:43:00 PM • • RBJ
my new year's resolutions

i hate doing this list coz it makes me feel bad when i don't get to follow it. but, i realized that an attempt to change is better than none.

[x] say goodbye to my good ol' pal the porkchop and say hello to ve-ge-ta-bles. (too much meat has a negative effect on the skin, i've been told)
[x] lose 20 pounds and get back to shape. (i'll try to refirm up the infamous buttox)
[x] go against my body clock and sleep before the strike of midnight. (early to bed and early to rise, makes floi floi lose the eyebags)
[x] lessen my vices. (lessen is more realistic than quitting)
[x] stop being a lazy ass and wash off the day's make-up before going to bed.
[x] get back to school and study harder.
[x] reach out to mum and pop. (new year, new headaches. NOT!!!)
[x] stop being oh-so-into friendster. it is, in fact, sinful.
[x] strengthen my Catholic faith (haven't attended mass since august. *shame*)
[x] keep at least a couple of this for once... ho! ho! ho!


we had a blast last night. we is moi, nog, loiza, chris and jeff.

dencio's is nice. classy and chic. warm service crew too. but damn, was it cold! i shouldn't have worn a skirt. loiza did too. good thing nog never goes out without a jacket.

looking at the five of us, laughing and talking about anything without any inhibitions, i pictured us to be just like the cast of friends in the future. we are and will always be the closest people in each of our lives. including the absent peeps: julie, carmen, arturo, aiza, jessica and alvin. we don't have anything to hide from each other. ANYTHING.

they are one of the reasons i want to go back to school. i never actually absorbed the impact my dismissal has on them but it does have a huge one. sad.

we discussed about my latest pain in the ass. they ARE true friends. they stabbed me in the front [as ala puts it] and echoed the chanting of my nagging conscience.

stupid! stupid! stupid! dumb! dumb! dumb!

they still love me anyway. plus, they've done worse. ha! ha!

before midnight, we left and transferred to marbles. guess the wheels that took us there. the new ford ecosport!!! [chris's dad works for ford] talk about riding in style, pare.

a couple of hours later, we drove to maty's, appeased our hunger and went home. i spent the night at loiza's. we got some shut-eye at 4am coz as usual, girl talk!!!

finally went home at 1 pm to-dhay. still on a high. :p

*.* as if! @ 4:34:00 PM • • RBJ

Tuesday, December 30, 2003


check out bloginality. i highly recommend it. it's very efficient about my personality. i answered like 5 questions and they told me exactly who i am. they even have links on other psychologists' observations.


As an ENFP, you are Extraverted, iNtuative, Feeling , Perceiving.
This makes your primary focus on Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling.

This is defined as a NF personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Idealist (Identity Seeking) type, and more specifically the Champions or Inspirer.

As a weblogger, you may not be consistant in posts. Although, if you find a specific focus on their journal or a very flexible manner of writing, it may be more fufilling. Because you are warm and see so many posibilities in life, you may inspire others to follow in your footsteps with a journal.

*.* as if! @ 6:52:00 PM • • RBJ
skeletons in the closet

it's really hard when you harbor something inside. too dirty to disclose to anyone. not even on blogs.
i want to explode!!! i have clammy hands and a racing heartbeat for the last three hours. i'm even regretting going online.

reality comes like a splash of cold water waking me up from my delusions. illusions. dreams.

stupid! stupid! stupid!

just another chance. all i'm asking is another chance. but second chances come once in a blue moon.

aaaargh!!! i'm getting used to this.


dinner date at dencio's tonight with TGIS barkada. a welcome diversion from the turmoil i'm gooing through. i actually should be getting ready now to get there on time.

meeting time: 8pm
meeting place: mcdo


i didn't get to go to Batangas. Ponch even sent me a text message about how delicious the food was. sad.

*.* as if! @ 6:15:00 PM • • RBJ
holiday tragedy

miko sotto's death is really tragic. it came as a shock. i was channel surfing when ali sotto's tear-stained face came on screen. she was being interviewed by arnold clavio. i didn't get the whole story, though.

surfed the internet and this is how puts it:

"...Security-in-charge Sarlando Salvani, 35, told the police that Sotto, his cousin Oyo Boy, and production designer Medina had climbed the railings between the 8th and 9th floor of the condominium at 4:30 a.m. Monday.

Salvani said Sotto and Oyo Boy then hopped into the plant box, but Medina stayed behind.

The three appeared to be just talking and killing time, he added..."

now, i'm thinking it was just plain stupidity. what a waste. i can stay up until 6 the next day because of insomnia but i don't even think of doing stuff like that.

i sympathize with his family and friends. death is never easy to handle.

*.* as if! @ 4:41:00 PM • • RBJ
rain on me

have you seen the the video of ashanti's Rain on Me?

it's more of a 10-minute movie actually. i timed it. maybe she's thinking of crossing over to acting. maybe. can be. she's got the talent anyway. or maybe it took her a zillion takes for every scene. hmmm...

*.* as if! @ 4:01:00 PM • • RBJ

Sunday, December 28, 2003


i thought i was smart. i thought i always knew better.
i thought. i thought. i thought.

the mind being more powerful than the body is almost a cliche. as a neophyte, i was taught to channel all my energy to my mind over my body.

mind over matter. mind over matter.
focus. focus. focus.


then, how come....?
i've gotten myself into a predicament that i know is bound to cause me more sleepless nights mornings and a lot of headaches. [and longer times online] i'm even nibbling my nails again. summed up, i messed up. bad.

i'm not even sure if it's real. but then, what is real? it's all a dream. i still have this dreamy smirk on my face. [and a tear rolling down my cheek]

help! argh.

fun is what you bring with you

malate is the place to be, pare.
i thought malate lights have dimmed down with the emergence of libis but it obviously haven't.

jane and i went to her friend's gig at skins bar in bocobo. slapshock-ish music. the kind that makes people bob their heads up and down without comprehending the lyrics. *1 colt ice + 2 cigarettes*
jane's friend's band's name [phew!] is mortal fear. man, they're good! head-bobbing worthy. *1 colt ice + 3 cigarettes*.

mr. fine guy graced us with his presence. did i mention he has a strong resemblance to josh hartnett? stroooong. *puff*
he left in a little bit coz he had to go to a house party in wack wack. he said he'll be better later. right.

eloiza is really just a text message away. i texted her [knowing for sure that she's out on a gimik somewhere] and it so happened that she's in faraway marbles with jeff and nog. told them to go to malate and they did, pare. TGIS is back! ;) warren [eloiza's brother's friend hitting on her] was with them. turned out they texted him so they'll have a ride. nice one.

the world is getting smaller by the day. who would have thought we'll find elmer, clark [with eiza] and the rest of their band there? for good reason, too. *1 colt ice + 5 cigarettes* by around 2 everyone wanted to go home except for moi. i stayed with elmer. *1 colt ice + 2 cigarettes* elmer and i caught up on each other's lives. joren and erick were there too with their barkada. they were in cowboy grill. tsk! tsk! tsk! loser kaya cowboy sa malate! full of yuppies too old for the nightlife. i even saw a former dormmate in UPLB. mariang banga. last night, she was mariang bangag. ;p

mr. fine guy came back at around 3. he was drunk. no, doped. drunk and doped. not a good combination. we parked somewhere [a place alien to me] and got to know each other better hoping it will sober him up.*1 cigarette* it did. at around 5. he drove me home. he's also mr. safety. seatbelts please!

so, i drank a total of four beers & puffed half a box of cigarettes. i thought i was a heavy drinker. i am. and a heavy vomitter. heavy, pare.


i'm supposed to go to Tanauan, Batangas today coz it's fiesta!!! wana lives there. not yet sure coz am still feeling a bit queasy plus i'm the one in charge of the shop.

i reeeeeeeeeally wanna go!!!

we'll see...

*.* as if! @ 2:14:00 PM • • RBJ

Saturday, December 27, 2003

cold, cold christmas

not everyone was happy this season.

i consoled myself with a prayer and that silent hope that my family will just accept our differences and quit turning each other into what we can never be. it's actually depressing because it's the first time we refused to spend christmas eve together. unlike in the past when we usually put our white flags up during the holidays, i guess, we just let each other be this time.

watching titanic and autumn in new york didn't help in making my christmas eve bright. hu-hu...

caught daria on MTV mandarin, though. i miss that show.

misery. misery. misery.

sorry is underrated

had a shouting bout with mum about my missing jacket. then, i knew our christmas is all messed up.

i apologized before leaving for astro's, though. and it made me light-hearted by a thousand tons.

happiness is what you make

i felt everything but merry on christmas eve. on christmas day, i refused to feel the same. so, i went to astro's.

the traffic was torture which wasn't surprising. then i spent 30 minutes in alabang looking for a jeep to san pedro. traffic was light which was a relief. nevertheless, i would much rather have gone through hell than spent a day [again] watching and memorizing every T.V. show there is.

it was already 5 pm when i reached astro's house. he gave me this huge teddy bear stuffed toy which we baptized NYOMS-NYOMS. <===our favorite pet name!!! ;) didn't have a present for him, though. ay, pappy!!! pretty much just hanged out. chika-chika. ended up spending the night over coz it was too late to travel home.

hmmm... christmas wasn't too bad for me anymore. i found happiness island in the company of my baby.

shopping. shopping. shopping.

what is every girl's sure-fire mood lifter?
everybody now: SHOPPING!!!

the day after christmas, i made me happy again. after astro's, we went to meet kuya, jane and pangee in festival. [read: was wearing the same clothes and haven't bathed yet. well, over traffic, i'd choose this. ;p] shopping galore. i realized i'm kuripot pala. well, money doesn't come easy for me anymore so it's a good thing. hmmm... to put it more nicely, i'm a smart buyer and with good proof. spent merely P600 for a collared blouse, nice kikay tank top from Gozum, party top from folded and hung and a tennis skirt. beat that! ;)

i hate plans!!!

astro's bro and cousin had plans to go to malate tonight and they invited us. they've been planning this bonding gimik for weeks and they had it all figured out.

i was hyped up because their plan included C.I. which meant i get to spend a whole night with my baby. exciting, huh?

well, they CANCELLED EVERYTHING!!! and astro's mum won't let him if it's just the two of us. aaargh!!! talk about the ultimate antagonist to our relationship.


my favorite Christmas quote

Wishing u a seductive & horny christmas
licked by love & penetrated by heavenly graces
& may all your misfortunes b ejaculated
b4 d has season has climaxed.

sent by mae 8 minutes before christmas day. talk about creativity, man!!!

*.* as if! @ 5:24:00 PM • • RBJ

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

it's Christmas all over the world tonight

chRistMaS evE.

the sun's rays finally made their way out of the thick clouds. it's all bright and shiny. not too warm and not too cold. perfect.

i thought of making some last minute shopping [since i only received my christmas allowance yesterday] but realized the traffic is extremely intolerable. not worth it. rather enjoy the day than sit through three hours in an airconditioned van.


*.* as if! @ 3:38:00 PM • • RBJ
celebrity wannabe material

forgot to share this rather flattering experience i had while stuck in traffic.

i was on my way to astro’s last saturday and the traffic was a little less than hell. i was least amused with this guy rubbing elbows with me. yuck! good thing i had a good ride to calamba with ponch and co. so i wasn’t in a bitchy mood. and he can thank his gods coz i was wearing my soro shirt.

somewhere in biñan, the vehicles were crawling in a turtle-pace and i was lost in my thoughts again when elbows-rubbing guy [turns out his name was ernest] decides to start a conversation with moi. typical pick-up line : ”taga-san pedro ka?” i am not and he kept on squeezing personal info about me.

anyweiz, the catch? “artista ka ba?”
“pero lumabas ka na sa pelikula o sa t.v.?”
“hindi rin”

hahaha!!! artistahin ‘to, pare.

i remember the counselor i talked to prior to my dismissal.

“okay ka pala e. nasa ‘yo na lahat. maganda ka, mabait, matalino pa. dismissed nga lang. ba’t di ka na lang mag-artista?”

and he was supposed to comfort me.

*.* as if! @ 2:36:00 PM • • RBJ

Monday, December 22, 2003

which precious gem am i?

! You are Most Like A Ruby !
Passionate, in control - and very sexy. You tend to
be more dominant, and people long to possess your
wild nature. People find you fun, and a real live
You're most like a Ruby because people simply can't
take their eyes away from you - your bright
nature draws people to you.
Congratulations ... You're the sparkly fun gem
everybody craves.

?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

*.* as if! @ 2:02:00 AM • • RBJ

Sunday, December 21, 2003

when i turn out all the lights…

… i break down and cry.

wEdneSdaY niGHt.

after a loooong iterating discussion about the dumaguete thingy over chat, a full blown fight ensued. [it was more like thursday morning coz we were on the phone at 3 am]

i was tired of having to defend myself. i was tired of him making a BIG deal about everything. i was tired of soothing his insecure ass. i was just plain tired of people expecting something from me.

i was 0.001 angstroms away from taking my life and here was my boyfriend implying that i’m a whore. very helpful. i gave him a piece of my mind and broke everything off.

a week ago, i was talking about our relationship being on the way to recovery and that night, it experienced a




just like that, 16 months, a million text messages and a quarter-sem worth of absences from class went to waste.

i ended up crying till a little after 5 am which goes without saying that i had extremely tantalizing swollen and puffy eyes the next day.

another [couple of] day[s] in paradise


slept through the alarm again.
luckily, some unknown force woke me up.

it took me 10,000 years to get ready [simply because my clothes were everywhere but the closet]. plus, i had to fix pangee's lunch. the delay was a bit welcome coz it gave my eyes time to subside.

i was on the road. i tried [hard] to be oblivious to the traffic and anticipated what was instore for me in LB this time. miraculously, i woke up from my dreamy daze and was already in LB. [want an idea about how terrible the traffic was? i arrived in LB at 5.00pm(!!!)]

went straight to the tambayan and was greeted by nothingness. only people things waving at me were leaves. good thing mae and mylene arrived within seconds. chikahan galore.

my visit didn’t go to waste this time. we went carolling [which i unsurprisingly and unintentionally sabotaged].

we ate dinner at chowking and took some “souvenirs” with us. [read: spoon and fork]

we decided to drink and hang-out but we had nowhere to go. we were banned from not yet allowed to go to ic’s prior to the unforgettable pah-ty we had during hayz’s birthday celebration. [see archives] (we were less than surprised to have received such strongly degrading reviews from the alumni, though. we anticipated it, even.) so, we just decided to drink red horse at the tambayan. just we sisses. how more can you define fun?

we wrapped things up. went to mae/mylene/hayz’s.

decided we’ll drink some more. went out to F.O. and found shy guy. [mylene’s yummy classmate/crush] took him home with us. (bwahahahahaha!)


our little house party ended. all the beds were occupied [hayz’s boyfriend armin was there; shy guy was beside mylene; mae locked her door by instinct] so i balled up in the director’s chair. i was actually considering going straight to OBB [Operation Big Brother --- the brods’ annual christmas outreach] but decided against it. i’d rather not make an appearance than be a zombie. wrong decision.

mae woke me up and had me sleep beside her.

good morning to me. shy guy was still there. turned out he really is a shy guy minus the alcohol. ate cheesy tuna with rice. [cooked by mae. yum!]

was considering dropping by OBB to say hi and give rz his copy of my sassy girl. however, received a text message from MIS. too personal and insulting so i realized it would be best not to see them [brods].

rz convinced me to go to baker [where OBB was held. it concluded at around 3]. the brods received me warmly so i knew MIS was wrong. afterwards, we were supposed to go to merky’s. but, rz and i stayed behind coz he was gonna buy joy [the girlfriend] her christmas gift. we went to 101 and he bought a baby blue hotdog pillow with a bear’s head and feet at the ends. [chosen by moi of course] we went to bangkal first to drop the gift off at my their house.

went to merky’s. they were already eating cambodia style. i was discussing MIS’s text message with marian when MIS showed. she was clearly upset. we had a long dramatic talk and i hope we resolved the issue. i’m still feeling guilty, though. marian and i asked the brods if we may go to the socials later. they said we may.

marian and i went back to mae’s. chikahan galore with hayz. i have to say, for a new sis, marian can definitely talk. no wonder she’s hayz’s best friend.

i went to angeli’s. [seeing marian and hayz together, i had to see my bes too!!!] marian walked with me to raymundo and we had like a 10,000 words per minute chikahan. lolz! bes and i decided to go out. [coz their house was infested with kupals.] without tambayan online, we had a hard time choosing a bar to go to. we ended up in ic’s. [i figured with angeli’s angelic face, it was safe to go there] we drank weng-weng which i’m beginning to prefer over vodka mango. not surprisingly, bes only drank half of it. she was already rosy red after a few sips.

marian came to fetch me. we were gonna go to the socials in bobsky’s. reuben texted me to come, too. when we arrived, a few brods were left. [majority was too tired] lexie and len were there. aloof. fun but aloof.


mae picked us up. ponch was supposed to go with us but we were going to APEC. we passed by the bright carabao park. took some pictures and were on the road. last time i went to APEC was ages ago! last year. summer, i think. with pepot and his friends. hayz went topless. i was going to but the cold winds had the better of me.

marian had to go coz her ride home to marikina was picking her up. everyone was sleepy but me. insomnia kicked in. watched tv. gattaca was on and it made me cry. finally went to sleep at around 4. haaay...

make give love on christmas day

went to astro’s before going home. i wanted closure but i guess deep inside i didn’t. i always had problems letting go and moving on. i left his house quite determined to stand by my decision. a bunch of text messages and a phone call later, i gave US another chance. hmmm...

could it be any more inappropriate to write about a break up and a make up in one blog? goes to show how fickle-minded i am.
new blogging format. realized it’ll be easier to read when i sort out mah topics.

*.* as if! @ 8:57:00 PM • • RBJ

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

my stupid mouth fingers

astro read my blog and on and on he went again about dumaguete. the guy is married. nothing can be done. and he's gone! i haven't the slightest idea where he is or how he's doing. he's just that... a ghost. virtually non-existent. i didn't say i'm still in love with the guy. i am not. he's just haunting my thoughts. full of what-if's. but no significant effect on my life. none. nada.

*.* as if! @ 9:26:00 PM • • RBJ

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

my mythological form

ano daw?!?

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

fiery beybeh!!! ;)

*.* as if! @ 11:57:00 PM • • RBJ
moi --- the beautiful woman

Sexy Secretary
You are every secretary's nightmare

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

heheh... simply floi...

*.* as if! @ 11:45:00 PM • • RBJ

i am barely breathing and i can't find you
don't know who i'm kidding imagining you care
well, i could stand here waiting
a fool for another day
i don't suppose it's worth the price
it's worth the price
the price that i won't pay

carrie was right. our lives are haunted. by our pasts. that song? reminds me dumaguete [not the place; the man in my past]. can't believe i still have hang-up's concerning the guy. he was the first to make me feel like a woman. the FIRST. i have to admit, i do doubt if there were feelings involved in our relationship . but, i can't seem to get him out of my system. i just can't. sorry, baby, i can't. i mean, the guy is married. and he practically shagged [very politically-incorrect] every human with boobs and a hole. he just made me special in a way no one can even come close to. NO ONE. again, sorry, baby.

it only costs a peso...

to make me smile...

missin u s worse dan bein blind...
lyk paralysis it criples d mind
lyk death it kils d hart...
lyk lonlines it tears my world apart...
damn! I MISS U A LOT!!!

a text message from roselle. i won't be forgotten after all! it really is too bad i didn't get to see her last friday. hope to see mah gurl soon.

*.* as if! @ 11:34:00 PM • • RBJ

did i just say fuck? coz i meant FUUUUUCK!!!

i feel so fucked up lately. not that i have any choice. that's how people i call family make me feel. i'm no longer a U.P. student and all of a sudden i'm no longer a person anymore. i lost every right and privilege [not that i have many]. aaargh!!! they can just continue making my life hell and the devil i've been suppressing might just break out.

*.* as if! @ 5:04:00 PM • • RBJ

Monday, December 15, 2003


t.v. really does numb the brain. every sensible bit of idea embedded in my brain is currently unavailable. hope i can find it somewhere. soon.

sorority woes

went to LB last friday coz i thought it was the applicant's final rites. it wasn't. a painful thought resurfaced. it's only a matter of time before i'm forgotten. i respect the fact that they have their own lives but does it require a lot of effort to send me a text message of whatever's going on? i wouldn't be too affected if i have my own but lb life is the only life i know. sorority life. still. hope they realize the sorority is my world. it always will be. felt good indoctrinating the applicant, though. made me think of every tidbit of wisdom i acquired. and my zeal is invigorated.

16 months and on the recovery room

you'll never know how much 6 hours can do to a person. to a relationship. astro and i had plans for our 16th monthsary and yah, was i infuriated when he told me they won't push through coz his mum didn't let him. i guess any girlfriend in my shoes would feel the same. i mean c'mon! a 20-year-old boyfriend who can’t stand up to his mother? for his girlfriend? for the love of his life? for his future wife? NOT!!!yet certain... i declared our "relationship" [or whatever you call it] a patient in the ICU. so, last saturday, with nothing of a happy monthsary in mind, i went to their house to visit him. (moi--- the understanding girlfriend) and you know what? i had a great time! we watched My Sassy Girl together [with a bunch of interruptions from the monster --- his mum]. *kilig* his mum even treated us to jollibee. [how romantic. not exactly but it works] we were suppossed to watch the fireworks display in ATC but traffic made us miss it. we had a distant view from the expressway on the FX we were riding, though. well, i bet they can't compare to the rekindled fireworks between my baby and me. *sigh*

*.* as if! @ 11:49:00 PM • • RBJ

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

when maternal instincts don't work

hide and seek

went mum and i in the mall.
went home after two gruesome hours of torturing my feet.

friendster rant

some people care so much about writing impressive testimonials they forget that testimonials are supposed to be "what people think about you". their personal touch is lost. there's this one friendster who wrote me a testi. i was really touched with what she wrote about me. browsing around, i saw that she wrote the SAME things about our other friends. could it be that i am not as unique as i think i am? that i am just similar to others? didn't she think one or all of us will soon realize what she did? i'm contemplating on deleting her testi about me but i figured it's useless anyway. might as well appreciate it for her effort to retype those words.

*.* as if! @ 11:42:00 PM • • RBJ

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

i'm just weak, pretending to be strong...

i don't know if i can still take the distance. and i sure can't say for how long i can go on committed without seeing my baby. last night, pitter-patter came my tears when he told me he can't do anything anymore about his mum. when she says NO, it means NO. can't he even reason out? aaargh!!! he's not making things any easier for me. i can only continue to pray... "lead me not into temptation..."

on a lighter note...

i'm so hung up on friendster!!! i have these ideas for a nice essay about it but i'm so tamad to put them into words yet. it's just uplifting coz i found long lost friends and i'm still meeting new ones. i bet people who have access to the internet are nice naman di ba? just wish they don't turn into obssessed stalkers or something.

*.* as if! @ 10:49:00 PM • • RBJ
even on cuss words i'm a bonafide...

your bitch.

*.* as if! @ 8:26:00 PM • • RBJ

Monday, December 08, 2003

cold turkey

i had the overwhelming urge to blog last night but i figured the blogger system was down. their homepage can't be viewed. i was like a drug user in rehab; couldn't sleep and i was really bothered with all the ideas i wanted to post. ho-hum.

Thank God It's Friday

went to lb last Friday and boy, was my journey hellish or what?! i even felt like there was this unexplainable force of nature keeping me from getting there. was it a sign i shouldn't have gone through with my plans? i planned to finally say my goodbye's to... ahem... people. planned to meet up with mr. sj at 4 but showed up at 5. went to tambayan first to ping everyone of my presence. so, had coffee with mr. sj, got the copy of MY SASSY GIRL --->must watch<--- from the dorm, and he walked me home to bangkal. i succumbed to his hug despite future major setbacks. fixed my stuff and was on-the-go to the finals when i got scared of travelling alone. had ponch come with me. so, we arrived at the private resort and finished the final rites.

Welcome to the fold, MARIAN!!!

caught some love for mae and mylene. was thinking of doing so for hazel but i figured she can take it all for herself. and we all dove to the pool!!! i wore a bikini which was kinda weeet-weeew!!! thank God my week-long starvation paid off. now i have more inspiration to go on than ever. i have pictures, of course!!! it was my first time to wear one so it should be captured on film. anyweiz, a little later at around 2, everyone called it a night except for MIS Lou-anne, Ponch and moi. oh, i invited mr. fine guy but he said he was too sleepy. too bad he missed my bikini. heheh... but, i would have given everything to have my baby there. hmmm... miss doing stuff with him so much. everyone went home at 6 next morning and well, it was a great night. oh-oh... my advice to everyone:
... it's not the best feeling in the world. .

the aftermath

i was supposed to take the rest of my stuff home and astro's coming over to help me out. he arrived at around 7 and i was trivially not yet in shape so he let me sleep some more. at 11 he told me we had to get going or else he'll miss his basketball game at 3. i dragged me out of bed and wasn't in the best mood. we finished packing at 1. eric came so, our departure was delayed till 2. was my stuff heavy! there were a couple of boxes still left that i'm planning to pick up next week. i realized i've accumulated massive amounts of garbage in my 2 1/2 years residence in UPLB. anyweiz, still wasn't in good airs when i got home. almost felt i was gonna be sick. glad that i didn't.

*.* as if! @ 4:46:00 PM • • RBJ

Friday, December 05, 2003

personality disorder test


-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

does this mean i'm personality healthy? phew! ;)

*.* as if! @ 2:35:00 AM • • RBJ

Thursday, December 04, 2003

the incredible hulk ala floi

have you ever felt so outraged but you can't do anything to vent it out? that's what i'm feeling now. if i were hulk, i would have turned green by now. but lo! i can only cry. i can't even really sob it out coz i just can't let them see my tears. i woke up early today because i plan to go to LB. i simply have to go there. i have to see people i can connect with. nope, i don't have that with my family. we're more like 5 people living under the same roof, running the same business but with no real affiliation. i'm gonna explode if i have to be confined with these people for a day more. anyweiz, so, i'm awake, got ready and guess what? no allowance. someone forgot i need money to carry out my plans for the day. and so, he defends himself HE came back at lunch just to give me the dough, which is pointless since i am still sitting infront of this friggin' computer and just imagining how much fun it would have been to be at the tambayan drinking red horse from plastic cups sound-tripping to paolo santos, live. aaargh!!! xavier's sick --- probably bad karma for the way he mistreats me --- but i tended to him anyway. NAKAKAINIS TALAGA!!! can't wait to get out there and live MY life... not the matriarch's, definitely not the sperm-donor's, just MY life... when it's all just me, myself and I. [and of course, my social circle]

*.* as if! @ 6:47:00 PM • • RBJ
porn star

Amateur movie! You might not be too experienced in
the way of sex...but chances are, you do enjoy
it (or the thought of it). We'll probably see
you in some home video that surfaces on the
internet one day.

hmmm... maybe...

*.* as if! @ 2:41:00 PM • • RBJ

i went to pick up pangee from school yesterday. BIG MISTAKE! it took my every strength to hold back my tears. watching them high school students and thinking about me when i was still one. so much has changed. to think it has only been two and a half years. life was so simple then. i was really struck by the graduation speech in Almost Famous. "Don't forget who you are now, so full of hope and dreams..." i was full of hope and dreams in high school. i still am. i just need my parents' support. that's one thing i really need right now but seems impossible to get. i mean, c'mon... what's been done is done. just let it go! i'm moving on. my dismissal from U.P. is a big blow on my pride, and on me. i guess they're forgetting that i do have feelings. i have my pride. i'm greatly affected by what happened. IMMENSELY affected. if only they have any idea how invalid i feel. i find comfort in the fact that i can still go back and reclaim my worth of passing the UPCAT. so anyway, i still believe that being dismissed isn't the end of my life coz it really isn't. i'm too young and precious to waste away. i still am hopeful to do great things and i have such wonderful dreams. it does not do good to waste away in dreams. give me the grounds and i'll act... again. i'll try hard not to mess up this time. i WILL reach my dreams and when i finally do, it would take every drop of my strength not to rub it in their bossy faces. so anyway, i waited for an hour for pangee and she still didn't show up. i didn't have the courage to look for her inside the campus and be flooded with memories of my distant perfect, idealistic life. especially the thought of my former teachers asking about how i've been doing and what was my business there. i doubt if they won't recognize me. sir baluyot did. my 4th year P.E. teacher cum CAT commandant did. it took him a second glance to but he did. and hollered my name for everyone else to take notice of me. true, it's heart-warming but still, very depressing. whatever happened to the talented admirable floi of St. Joseph's Academy? somewhere between St. Jo and U.P., my talents withered and my perseverance for studying was blown away by the excitement of the real world.

*.* as if! @ 2:22:00 PM • • RBJ
tuesday visit

astro came to visit again last tuesday. i wasn't really counting on him showing up but he did at around 2 pm. we did the same boring but fun stuff. i was just too elated to be with him. i FORCED him to spend the night over... with high costs of course. his mum had a million and one nasty things to say when he called to ask permission. but it was all good. and we played counter strike. damn, was i good! heheh... now, i got an addiction to it. we woke up at 12 noon wednesday by a phone call by his mum. yah, yah... he's the girl and i'm the boy in our relationship. and i wouldn't like it any other way. ;)

*.* as if! @ 1:38:00 PM • • RBJ
saturday night

okeiii... to start off, let's see what happened in ninoy's birthday. i met up with patrick in pulanglupa at 9. he was late and i waited for like 20 minutes. a group of guys were starting to creep me out coz they kept staring and i felt like naked already. i normally wouldn't mind being "checked out" but not by boys who looked they had a sniff too much of rugby. so, patrick finally showed up and when we got to ninoy's, the guests weren't exactly who i expected to see. the star-studded thing i mentioned, an overstatement. people i know can be counted with both hands. so, a few minutes of sitting in the flowerpot OUTSIDE their house, i was beginning to regret choosing that over sex and the city. but i stayed. ex no. 3 came. i'm proud to say i was incredibly composed and refined that night. i didn't even budge when HE arrived. i was even annoyed with the celebrity aura he carried. like, his arrival was such a BIG deal i think he expected a band to welcome him. anyway, he's got a girly and guess who... hmmm... no one would ever understand his taste. okeiii, i'm starting to sound like i'm sour-graping. i'm not. a little later, madel and tal with a couple of boylets arrived. they watched happy 50 tv ek-ek concert. i guess the prob why i didn't really have a hella good time is i haven't these people for a little 5 months and i had a complete make-over. my personality anyway. 5 months with roselle and sheila paid off. like what i said, i'm like a fine girl now and i don't really dig street stuff. y'know what i mean? anyway, they are STILL my friends and i plan to keep them no matter how much different i become from them.

*.* as if! @ 1:27:00 PM • • RBJ

haven't been able to blog these past few days coz of civil war. i had a lot of interesting ideas now scrambled up. i'll try to re-organize them and publish each.

*.* as if! @ 12:53:00 PM • • RBJ

Tuesday, December 02, 2003


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

anyone who wants proof? ;)

*.* as if! @ 11:30:00 PM • • RBJ


I'll be seeing you. Goodnight.

Find me here:


Palabras Finales

Remember me when you hear this

sleeps with butterflies ~ tori amos

Airplanes take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live?
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night?
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in
So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat?
I won't push you unless you have a net

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly then boy

Look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
Upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl, this girl

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly boy

miss me? spot me here:

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Bury the Hatchet

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