Carrie's closing line in the final episode of SATC is "...The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself...."

I couldn't agree more. My body may have betrayed me but Self is still intact. I am still sane, am I not? The only time I can say that Self has turned against me is when I'm nawawala na sa sarili. Or perhaps I won't be able to say it anymore. Catch my drift?

So, for Self's loyalty, I gave it this for Christmas.



No need for any deed of gratitude. All I'm asking is continued loyalty.

On a side note, am I not nawawala sa sarili yet for addressing myself in the third person?


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*.* as if! @ 11:51:00 PM • • RBJ

Why is it that when I say the k-word, people squirm and stare at me like I'm a whore of sorts but when I say coitus, they nod and smile politely? The words mean the same effin' thing dammit! Oh yeah, the two words both mean effin'. Hehehe. [See? I can't even type the k-word on my blog in fear of being judged] It must have something to do with euphemism, I know, but does that mean that our native language is scandalous beside the english term of that same word?

Can two people sleep together and wake up the next morning and go on with their lives as if nothing happened? Two friends, specifically.

I'd like to think that four of my friends love me enough to make sure that I am well taken care of to offer the unspeakable. Or perhaps they're all joking. Well, I'm not joking when I say that I AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF PHYSICAL AFFECTION.

Whoopsie, I've said enough. Back to regular programming.

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*.* as if! @ 11:27:00 PM • • RBJ

Wonderful. We didn't have to work on the 28th and 29th but those two days of vacation went down the drain. I was friggin' bedridden!!! Grrr...

The body I always thought I'm in total control of betrayed me. My PE 1 classmates called me "Talentadong Bata" coz I perfected all our physical tests. The T-Balance, 15-minute run, Jump Rope endurance... those tests. My classmates could only stare at me in awe. I guess I can attribute it to my passion for dancing. I've been dancing since I learned to walk. Dancing has taught me to be in full command of every part of my body. Haaay... Now, I'm beginning to think the one I have isn't the same one anymore. I must have betrayed it first, though. Oh well, I'm back on my feet. Hurray.

If anything good came out of my health mishap, it is that it gave my scalp time to heal after the stressful hair relax I subjected my precious crown to last Monday. It was supposed to be a bonding moment for Loiza and me and it turned out to be! We cried together while the effin' stylists tugged and blow-dried our hair. Thank God I didn't have to touch my hair those two days. I just let it sit quietly on the pillow.

Anyway...

I just came home from watching Enteng Kabisote with the family. It's a great movie I must say. Every movie with Vic Sotto in it is great. I especially love the Mulawit scene with Joey de Leon. Excuse me, but I never did agree that Dolphy is the King of Comedy. TVJ - they're the kings of comedy! I think I consider those three to be only ones in showbiz legit enough to be called comedians. But, that's just my opinion. Crucify me.

I've been spending my christmas break with the family. Incredible, I know. But, like what I've told a few people, the current non-existence [or close proximity to extinction] of my love life has brought to my attention the existence of my family. My social circle DOES and SHOULD include my family. I couldn't possibly be any happier.

Anyway, I read the comments on my last post and I just realized how nasty I must've sounded. Bo, Chris and Ishee, thanks for your empathy. I appreciate it well. But let's all wish the gal well. Hopefully, she wakes up from her little fantasy of playing damsel-in-distress. Soon.

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*.* as if! @ 10:35:00 PM • • RBJ

I didn't ask for much this Christmas. Well, except for the car, my wish list isn't that hard to fulfill. Despite the present state of my love life which is in close proximity to being non-existent, I am happy. I'm not just saying that to convince whoever is reading this nor myself but because it's the truth. It's quite evident. My eyes aren't that good in concealing how I feel though my laughter is.

I've always been someone with a happy disposition - the optimist. The person who consistently doesn't dwell on the ugly happenings and looks at the brighter side. Contrary to what this blog may have brought its readers to deduce, I am generally a happy person. Happy persons don't go around threatening other persons. Nah-uh. Not even girls who agree to be used by guys who wants to get rid of their girlfriends. No. No. No.

I found out a few days ago and I let it pass. But amidst all the happiness around and inside me, my overanalytical mind wouldn't rest. I just have to let it out.

This girl [I have the courtesy not to divulge her name] has been asking my brods about me, not because she wants to get to know me me but because it's her prologue to... get this... telling them that I've been sending her SMS of threats about waiting for her outside their school and the like. If I may quote L overheard by C telling M,"'tol, si Floi eh inaaway si [girl]". To confirm it, the girl personally approached C and asked,"Kilala mo ba si Floi? Kase inaaway nya 'ko sa text eh."

Honestly, I'm not affected at all. I'm not in rage. I'm not on defensive mode. I'm not. It's actually a laughing matter for me.

Okeiii, I've professed myself to be a bitch countless of times but that doesn't connote that I'm evil. Hello! I've always been open-minded and understanding because I believe that we are now living in a liberal society free of preconceptions; anyone who thinks the former automatically meaning the latter oughtta get out of the shell he's been inhabiting.

I'm a good person. Again, I'm not just saying that to convince whoever is reading this nor myself but because it's the truth. Take Chevy and me for example. Chevy and I definitely started on the wrong foot. She lashed at me for stealing her then-boyfriend Ludwig right here on my very own blog. But I didn't steal anyone; I didn't really know the moron had a girlfriend hundreds of miles away. Thank God for Friendster, Chevy and I got to the bottom of things in 24 hours and even connived for our plan of revenge to the self-absorbed womanizer. A couple of months after that incident, we became the best of friends. [On a side note, I just realized that my messages on Friendster documented everything that transpired during those fateful couple of months]

I don't know and I don't care about the girl's number. Let me point it out on my example, CHEVY REACHED OUT TO ME. I didn't initiate the first move to contact. I guess it's because no matter how tactless and frank I may be, I have no idea how to open up the topic. Chevy was smart [of course she is]. She left a link on my tagboard then made sure her first entry was about Ludwig. That way, it seemed like I stumbled upon shit on a dark road instead of the shit being flung to my face. I admit, I tried to do it too. I left a message on the girl's Friendster profile containing nothing but a smiley and a hi and even added her as a friend. NR. Fine, I let it go. I also contemplated on getting her number to ask her personally about L but decided against it coz I can't see the point of doing so. Let me emphasize, I contemplated on getting her number to ask her personally about L, not to assail her at all.

Judging from the testimonials on her Friendster profile, she seems to be a nice girl. Everyone says so. When I asked L why he courted the girl if he didn't love her, he said,"Mabait kase sya". When C was asked if the girl is pretty, he said,"Mabait naman sya". Oh yeah, let me share this with you.

C's gf: Maganda ba si [girl]?
C: Mabait naman sya.
C's gf: Hindi nga, maganda ba sya? OO or Hindi.
C: Mabait nga sya e.
C's gf: Ang labo nun, sagutin mo kaya.
C: Ganito kase, kung ikukumpara mo kay Floi, hamak namang laki ng ganda ni Floi. Talampakan lang yata sya ni Floi eh. Pero kase... mabait sya.

What kind of answer is that?! It's as good as saying I'm pretty but I'm not good and guys want good girls. But IF she IS a good girl, why the bloody hell is she telling everyone that I've been bugging her on text?! Labo mann...

For the record, I've never attacked anyone, verbally nor physically. To be more specific, I've never attacked any girl because of a guy. It's just not my style. I'm a Sigma Betan and proud to be one. I wouldn't do anything to denigrate the name of my beloved sorority. We live by standards - that is what separates us from other Greek-letter societies - and the acts the I am being accused of are nothing short of unbecoming. Totally far-out! It would take more than a pigfaced liar and a slanderous pig to make me defy everything my sisters have inculcated in me.

I'd love to get to the bottom of this and to clear my name but I'm gonna throw in the towel on this one. I'd love a good competition on who's better than who but there's obviously no competition so why bother? I used to believe that I am one who doesn't get mad but gets even. I'm not going to stress myself this time; it's just not worth the effort. There isn't any competition at all!


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*.* as if! @ 10:14:00 PM • • RBJ

{o} A periwinkle Chevrolet Optra [keep wishing]

{o} A whole day in the company of Roselle

{o} Bottle of Ralph Lauren Gorgeous

{o} Vacation in Boracay with my whole family

{o} Tanline

{o} Year supply of Jamaican Pinatubo

{o} Watch Mika play onstage

{o} Lex to pass all his revalida

{o} Tight bearhug from him

{o} Peace of mind ;-)

Most of my wishes this Christmas proves I'm not a materialistic person. I never was and never will be. Thank my parents for raising me well?^_^

If Santa were real, he's going to have a hard time giving me what I wish for. How is he supposed to leave peace of mind under the Christmas tree? But if someone would play Santa to me and wrap me in his arms, I'd be 10% fulfilled this season. It doesn't require much effort nor cost much to make me happy.

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*.* as if! @ 8:33:00 PM • • RBJ

Mum and Pop are out on a date tonight at Baywalk [with baby sis]. Reliving their past romance? Could it be recon for them? Hmmm... *happiness*

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*.* as if! @ 8:30:00 PM • • RBJ

...for the nth time

...which reminds me very much of the guys that came into [and walked out of] my life.

Bubbles - that's what those guys are. Now you see them - quite fascinating and mesmerizing little creatures - and then they're gone in a blink of an eye. Quite fragile, they disappear with a touch of a finger. What do you know, I'm Bubbles of the three Powerpuff Girls.

I have so much to blog about, like the Boracay trip that was on and then off and then on again and then off again. I also have the past weekend to blog about. However, I can't bring the nerves that transmit messages from my brain to my fingers to work. Only random very uninteresting ideas come through.

Am I being primitive if I say that I prefer Infrared over Bluetooth? I've been trying to Bluetooth images from my phone to my PC but the effin' devices just won't establish a connection as opposed to just plugging in the IR, aligning my phone and voila! Images uploaded.

Phone memory's running low so I can't take pics unless I delete the old ones which I don't want to because... well, I've been saving them for my own reasons. Not that I need them, I've been staring at them every night for the past eight weeks that every detail has made its mark on my imagination. I just can't forget. Is it possible for a 19-year-old to have Alzheimer's Disease? I hope it is and I hope it can be inflicted. Having my memory erased would be the best thing that could happen to me. Symptoms of dementia have been perceptible, anyway.

When a person is reincarnated, is it possible for him/her to retain his/her memory of his/her past life? Sean did in Birth. However, even if the 10-year-old kid were the reincarnation of Anna's dead husband, she's terribly sick in the head. Who would want to have sex with a little boy [pun unintended]? I'd rate it 8 out of 10, though. Dark dark movie... definitely my cup of tea. See you in another lifetime when we're both cats? But that's another movie.

Maui Taylor has been a bitch lately. She is a cat; what do you call female felines? Well, that darn cat curls up on the couch then dozes off. She scratches the upholstery when she wakes up, which leaves nasty rips. My asthma's been acting up again because I curl up with her and it's her fur-shedding season. She causes me shortness of breath but I love her nonetheless.

Masochism at its finest. Nah, masochism is when a person is sexually aroused through pain or punishment. I'm starting to believe I've turned into an ice queen. Frigid - that's the politically-correct term. Proof of which must remain undisclosed.

Does love need proof? What? You want me to say I love you even if I can't back it up? I must have a physiological CD writer. Every word I hear is burned into the my tainted memory. I would think that when something is written over, F5 has been pressed. But the system gets balmy soon enough that even efforts of managing the processes becomes futile. Then I become cuckoo until somehow someone comes along with the patience to simultaneously press Ctrl + Alt + Del.

Forgive me, I'm getting wordy again. That's because when I logged on to Blogger, I felt like I've lost that blogging feeling. It came back. Thank you, Jesus. I wonder if everything [or everyone] lost comes back.

Love Actually's Christmas is All Around Me is playing on Winamp. Purrfect. Christmas IS all around me. Sad to say, not IN me just yet. I felt the Christmas spirit last Thursday as I listened to San Miguel PhilHarmonic Orchestra at Shang. But the feeling was just a gentle breeze in summer - gone too soon.

When will this end? On. Off. On. Off. Perhaps it will only when I choose to shut down. It is a choice I shall never make, not with this unfathomable love that I have for living. Love is all I have and a higher level maturity this year brought me urges me not to give it away wantonly as I have in the not-so-distant past.

Whoopsie! There goes the feeling again. Ta-ta for now...


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*.* as if! @ 10:52:00 PM • • RBJ

Am I being such a loser for even looking up my daily horoscope?

Anyway, this is quite applicable. I HAVE been putting off my appointment with the doc. I haven't seen her since I came back from Cebu. Hehehe... Come Christmas break it would be the first thing I would do. Promise.^_^

I DO have a new responsibilty and it's to organize the company Christmas party. It IS a social event so I'll probably be spending time with people. I'm considering IO KTV to flaunt my flair for videoke. Hehehe... It'll be a good preparation for the mates for the noise of New Year's eve.^_^

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*.* as if! @ 11:30:00 AM • • RBJ

Last night, I turned into a fish. I have so much sympathy for the mackerel packed into a tin can. Now I know how they feel.

I left Starbs Emerald with Gracie [Thank God for new workmates] in a hurry, practically tripping over our heels to catch the southbound train and we were aghast to find the line on the MRT ticket window quite long. Hmmm... payday? People can afford to take the MRT instead of a bus?

When we were two people away from the window, this girl nonchalantly presented her money to the teller. I tapped her in the shoulder and stated the obvious, "Miss, may pila. Ayun yung dulo o." Haller! We've been standing there for 30 minutes and she was just going to barge in there like that?! Tsk! Tsk! Filipinos like her worsen the current state of this country.

With our stored value tickets, Gracie and I parted since she was northbound. I saw the platform and did a double-take. It was swarming with people! Good luck.

The train arrived after 15 minutes of elbowing my spot on the platform. Cha-dan! Jampacked is an understatement. The train was MEGA JAMPACKED GALORE. I just wanted to go home so I squeezed in.

I was giggling like hell from Shaw to Taft. I find the situation funny, really. I squeezed in hugging my bag to my chest and I can't even move my arms to remove the hair from my face! It reminded me indubitably of CG dancefloor and Pulp moshpits.

What was funnier was that the people around me were obviously pissed. The cute guy beside was consistently mumbling curses under his breath. I didn't see the point in stressing myself about it. Nobody wanted to be in the predicament. If anybody did, the doors open on every station and he/she can just get off.

By Ayala station, the train cleared up a bit. I was standing right in between the doors. I looked around for a bar to hold on to but the only one was right above my head. I tried to reach it but this puny girl failed. A gentleman offered his space beside the door. Thank you, mister!

That is definitely my most amusing and unforgettable MRT ride.

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*.* as if! @ 1:05:00 PM • • RBJ

Pshh... I found this:



I HAVE to watch The Edge of Reason, 2046 and The Polar Express first.

Movie Buddy! Movie Buddy! I miss Em... *sigh*

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*.* as if! @ 11:40:00 AM • • RBJ

Rational analyses [?!?] of Floi's love life.

A conversation with a Blue Eagles law student:

Floi: I just don't get it. Why do I always end up with jerks? Can't I make a quality man fall for me?

ALS: How can you expect to make a good man fall for you when you don't act like you deserve one?

Floi: How should I act then?

ALS: I dunno. Just don't act like you do now.

Floi: Why? How do I act like now?

ALS: A bitch?

Floi: But that's who I am!

ALS: I rest my case

*******************
Turn the other cheek. A conversation with a Red Lions law student:

Floi: Isn't it frustrating to know that a lot of guys love me but the one person I love doesn't?

SBLS: No.

Floi: Why?

SBLS: Coz that would be being selfish.

Floi: Huh?

SBLS: It shows you can't be contented with what you have.

Floi: But I don't have anything! Just unreciprocated love.

SBLS: Well, that's how the other guys must feel.

Floi: So, you're saying I should settle for the one available over the one I truly want to be with?

SBLS: I'm not saying anything. Look at it this way. Would you rather it be a chain, you hurting because of someone while others are hurting because of you? Or cut the chain and be with someone who loves you?

Floi: But wouldn't that be more hurtful for him? He's loving me while I can't love him back?

SBLS: Haven't you heard of eventually learning to love the guy?

Floi: I have but I don't believe in it.

SBLS: So what makes you so sure that the one YOU love would eventually love YOU back?

Floi: Of course, he will. I'm THAT irresistible.

SBLS: I rest my case.


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*.* as if! @ 3:57:00 PM • • RBJ

I shouldn't be subjected to public transportation. Some men just can't keep their hands to themselves.

I was on my way to work this morning. Everyday, I take a jeep from our house to Baclaran, a jeep to MRT Taft Station, the MRT to Shaw Station and finally, a jeep to my office.

My intuition told me something's up when I got off at Baclaran. This guy who was sitting at the end of jeep [near the entrance] waited for me to get off from the other end [near the driver] before getting off himself. I'm not the assuming type so I regarded the action as being a gentleman.

A jeep didn't come within five minutes so I walked toward the church. He followed. Again, I'm not assuming so I dismissed it. Besides, he was wearing corporate clothes so he seemed to be well-bred and harmless.

My suspicion was ignited when we got on a jeep. I went first, immediately followed by him. The jeep was filling up, and I fit myself on the right side of the middle of the jeep. He fit himself in the five inch space on my left. Ah, this guy sat beside me for a reason.

Sure enough, barely five minutes on to the ride, I felt his finger moving like a worm under my left buttcheek. I threw him an angry stare then leaned forward, leaving a space between my back and the "back rest [?]". A little later, I felt his finger caressing the bareskin between my pants and top. This time, my nasty stare lingered a bit while pulling down my top, making sure I establish eye contact with him before leaning forward some more. I was wearing a jap top with faux obi belt which has a string tied at the back. A few more minutes later, I felt the string being tugged.

I wanted to punch him right in the nose then, but I had a different plan. I knew that if I spoke up then, he'll just get off the jeep and escape. I wanted him on the jeep till we reach Pasay Rotonda.

When the jeep was close enough to the unloading area, I turned to him and loudly exclaimed, "Eh gago ka pala eh! Kanina pa ko usog na usog dito yang kamay mo sunod pa rin ng sunod. Pwede pakitanggal ng kamay mo sa likod ko?!". Everyone on the jeep turned to us and his face reddened, obviously in embarrassment.

He got off and I followed, pulling him on the sleeve and catching the attention of the Traffic Enforcer. "Boss, hinarass ako ng lalaking 'to!", while pointing an accusing finger at him.

He hurriedly pulled his arm back, walked quite briskly away and soon dissolved in the crowd. I was left staring the spot he dissolved to. The Traffic Enforcer merely turned to me and said, "Sa susunod mag-iingat ka, iha", before returning to his post.

I don't know who was humiliated more, the perv or myself. I walked to the train without bothering to wipe the tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks.

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*.* as if! @ 5:50:00 PM • • RBJ

I don't know if it is on the blueprint of my life but I seem to lose every person I love. I haven't addressed this issue since our recollection in 3rd year high school but a tiny voice at the back of my head nags me with it. Perhaps it is one of the reasons why I tend to overanalyze. My subconscious insists that everything would lead to goodbye.

It started with Yeng. She's my childhood best friend. I grew up with two brothers and a distant relationship with my mother. Yeng's house was a few steps away from mine; hence, she and her sister somewhat became my own. We rarely argued and the few times we did, we reconciled in a few minutes. I must have learned the ability not to harbor anger from her. Our friendship was ideal.

In May 1995, our family had to sell the house for Pop's open-heart surgery. We transferred to a rented house in a neighboring village. Yeng and I were still children then, and we considered anywhere more than a hundred steps far. We bawled like we were going to be oceans apart. But, our friendship held up. No longer the same but not exactly different.

We bawled again in September 1996 because then, oceans WERE going to come between us. Yeng's family left for greener pastures in the States. Technology was quite primitive to us then and after a few months, we completely fell out of touch. Only was I introduced to the internet in 2000 that we regained communication but the depth of our friendship was never recovered.

I didn't find the same kind of friendship with anyone after that. I can recount a list of names that I considered my "best friend" but they were almost conventional. Except for one. Read on.

When I entered college, I had the privilege of sharing my dorm room with one of the most unadulterated individuals I've known - Angeli. A month after our first acquaintance, in between my pukes in Leandro's Cafe's ladies washroom and the Indigo Girls in the background, we declared each other as best friends. From that point on, I was no longer Floi to her nor she Angeli to me, we called each other "Bes" as affirmation.

The end of Freshman year signified the end of our residency contract with the dorm. Due to financial reasons, I rented an apartment outside the campus while her class schedule prompted her to rent one inside. We still saw to it that we spend time together everyday.

As college progressed, we became more engrossed in our organizations. Our time for each other became less and even less when we both committed ourselves to members of the opposite sex.

When I left college and transferred back to Manila, it was only inevitable that we barely saw each other. Thank goodness to Friendster and cellphones, we remained strongly in touch with each other which would've taken a lot of effort to do so physically.

August 2001 introduced me to Roselle. I found my soul friend in her. She has made quite an impact in my life that I wrote a whole blogpost about and for her. I don't even need to talk about how but soon enough, I would lose her.

The reason for this entry is my high school best friend Em. Our friendship has surpassed the tests of distance, time and immaturity [or so I thought]. We met in 2nd year high school where our passion for movies and our Catholic faith strengthened our bond. I even baptized her with the name Em, her real name being Marlin. I have always had a problem with her attitude, though. Most of our misunderstandings, as she herself admitted, resulted from her bratty tendencies and narrow-mindedness.

Em celebrated her 20th birthday last October 23 since her actual birthday fell on a Sunday which is on the 24th. We had a bit of tampuhan the previous night because we were at Kat's house and I kinda dozed off in exhaustion since I came from work. To avoid it from happening again, I decided to take a nap before going to her party. Wrong move! My nap ended 3am of Sunday night. I quickly texted my apologies but all I got for a reply was, "I hate you." Short and chilly, like raw hatred.

I constantly texted her in the days that followed but she just wouldn't reply. After I got back from Cebu, I texted her again to inform her of the trinkets I brought for her. A cold hard "Like I care" was what I got. I put up my white flag then. Somehow, I accepted the fact that two weeks of anger cannot be vanquished that easily and decided to just let it pass.

It's been over a month and I saw her again at Mimon's last Saturday. When I leaned over to make beso-beso, she turned her face away. Awrighty then, I've done my part. This must mean goodbye. Who needs a best friend who you need to baby-sit every other time, anyway.

To emphasize the losing streak I seem to be doomed to, allow me to mention all the boys that came and went into my life. No need to elaborate, they don't deserve to be talked about specifically.

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*.* as if! @ 11:42:00 AM • • RBJ

Here's to you.

Beyond most people's knowledge, I was married this day exactly three years ago. At the tender age of 16, I vowed my undying loyalty to a group of women devoted to empowerment. It is perhaps one of the few decisions I made in my life without ever ever ever regretting making.

No, I did not become a nun. Duh!!!

I joined a sorority.

My parent went ballistic upon finding out. They said I wasn't mature enough to realize the weight of my decisions. They said I was just being impulsive. They said that in time, I will regret making such a commitment. They said that soon enough, I will grow out of it. Boy, did I prove them wrong.

I wasn't mature enough but I was aware of the weight of my decisions. I was not being impulsive at all; it took me a whole semester before concluding my decision. I did regret, not for making the commitment, but for not doing so earlier. I did grow, not out of it, but because of it.

Three years...

...and counting.

Sigma Betans are like diamonds. They cannot be made, only discovered.

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*.* as if! @ 5:52:00 PM • • RBJ

Notice anything?

Yes, the log... *sigh*

which only means...




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*.* as if! @ 6:35:00 PM • • RBJ

There is so much sadness in this world.

Right this moment, 17 million people around the world are having sex.

And you are sitting there in front of your computer reading this.

Likewise, I'm sitting here in front of my computer typing this.

Sad, isn't it?

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*.* as if! @ 9:54:00 AM • • RBJ