Finally. My soundtrack couldn't be any more appropriate.

Girls, I know you know what I'm talking about when I say that the first kiss is the best and most memorable one.

Hmmm... Don't you just wish every kiss is the first? [Or you can dump the guy after the first.^_^]

*kilig*

But, if what happened last night is best and memorable, why did I end up crying while staring at my ceiling instead of smiling?

There's this inexplicable confusion, an insatiable longing. I AM STILL MISSING SOMEONE.

I think I really need to see a shrink now. Seriously.

Anyhoo, I went to the Heat Wave party last night in Basement. It was sponsored by my dear sisters in Diliman. Congrats, sisses! Only Sigma Betans know how to throw a kick-ass party!^_^

I saw Randolf again coz Abe tagged him along. OMG. He is so damn hot. Maybe, if I'm going to end up with some closet asshole, might as well end up with an unveiled asshole. Right?

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*.* as if! @ 6:44:00 PM • • RBJ

Kuya's getting married on hte 18th of May. I'm going to be the candle bearer.

Mum and I were discussing this over breakfast when the spotlight turned to me.

I plan to get married either in San Agustin Church in Intramuros, the chapel in Fernwood Gardens or, of course, St. Joseph's Parish in Las Piñas where I was baptized and soon-to-be confirmed. [Also, it is where the world famous Bamboo Organ is]

My wedding song would be Spend My Life With You by Eric Benet and Tamia. I dunno who would sing it yet but definitely, I would sing Till There Was You at the reception [How cheesy would that be?! from The Wedding Singer, of course].

I would wear a white lacy gown with sequins and swarovski crystals, of course, designed by moi. The train would be as long as the aisle. My veil would be pinned in place with a tiara.

My bouquet would be a beautiful gamut of exquisite flowers. There would be plenty of white and yellow day lilies in the church and at the reception. [My name Fleur de lis is French for flower of lily]

I haven't figured out how I want my wedding to be, have I?^_^

Here's the catch: All these I picture materializing TEN YEARS from now and NO LESS. Mum said, "May magpapakasal pa ba sa yo pag thirty ka na?"

So... even my Mum think thirty years old is too old to get married. I thought the elder brods I hang out with at 65B just thinks I won't be able to wait till then. [Probably get pregnant soon and end up getting married at the city hall. ew.]

Well, I don't have a boyfriend now and if I were to get married, I still have no one in mind. I also want a very long engagement, say, five years[?] or more. Most likely, I would end up a spinster. Hehehe...

Don't get me wrong. I know I'm cynical and all but I'm also a closet romantic. I'm too idealistic. I want everything to be perfect. Okeiii, I'm not making sense. See, even I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my lifetime with me. I'm too complicated.

Basta, ten years from now, Ima have the wedding of my dreams, with a groom or not.

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*.* as if! @ 5:46:00 PM • • RBJ

Exagge yung bagong billboard ng Globe sa EDSA, sa taas ng Cafe Lupe.

Alam naman nating lahat na isang malaking kompanya ang Globe, pero kelangan pa ba nilang tapatan yun ng isang NAPAKALAKING billboard?

Can afford nga sila sa advertising pero sana nakuntento na sila sa standard na billboard tapos yun sanang ginastos nila sa mega-gigantic billboard ay dinonate na lang nila sa kung anumang foundation. Mas natuwa pa siguro ang sambayanang pipol.

Favorite ko pa naman yung Guadalupe pag dumadaan ang MRT kase dami kong nakikita na kung ano man. Ngayon, sinakup na ng Globe lahat.

`ñemas... tao nga naman talaga oo...

Buti na lang favorite color ko ang blue. It isn't so bad.^_^

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*.* as if! @ 8:10:00 PM • • RBJ

I was supposed to attend this Blogger party hosted by i.ph. Everybody else had some other things better to do.

I was supposed to go to this grad party hosted by a modeling agency. Belle had some other things better to do.

I was supposed to hang out at 65B again after a long time. They had some other things better to do.

By 6 PM, I still had no idea how to spend my Friday night and so I did what I would always do. I texted TGIS. Only one replied - the ever reliable happy friend Nog.

We met up at G4 at around 9; then, we stuffed ourselves silly at Kitchen. The food there is totally yum yum yum! They have humongous plates and silverware. I have to use my fork everytime even when eating rice because my mouth is too virginal for the spoon. Hihihi... I totally love the place.^_^

After dinner, we had a couple of Weng-Wengs for me and beer for Nog at Absinth. It was sooo dull so we decided to head towards Malate.

We planned to, get this, check out Bed. Nog's been there a few times and I've always wanted to go [out of curiosity] ever since Karl, Ninang Sheila and Rozl talked about it.

What is Bed? It's this Über cool party place between Maria Orosa and Nakpil, behind Gilligan's. Nog likes to call it Homohaven.

I had a Cosmo outside before going in to calm my nerves. Mann, was I thrilled. I was practically shaking. At the entrance, we saw Wilma Doesnt. I became less nervous after seeing her `cause I was assured I won't be the only real woman inside.

We went in, ordered our beers, then lounged at the circular sofa overlooking the ledge. After a few sips, Syanta texted me telling me she's at Clubbers' Guide. I left Nog for a while then went there to say hi.

After waiting for Syanta for 5 minutes outside Clubbers', I decided to go in to Common Ground. They've been missing a goddess I heard. Grace almost wouldn't let me in coz I wouldn't pay but one of the waiters begged her. "Bakit ayaw mo papasukin eh Diyosa yan."^_^

I went straight to the kitchen, gave Chef Junjie and Aries their kisses then went back outside.

On my way out, I saw Abe! He's one of Bilog-ang-mundo-Randolf's friends. It's always good to bump into acquaintances. Finally, Syanta went out. We hollered at each other and I promised I'll be back.

I went back to Bed and had the time of my life! Nog and I danced on the stairs behind the ledge and I naughtily stroked the dancer's back time and again making him think it was Nog who did. In a few minutes, this guy who seemed to be the dancer's friend whispered to him to ask me to get on the ledge. Nah-uh!!!

I constantly reminded the people around me that I'm a girl!!! They prolly think I'm one of them. hihihi...

When the dancers changed, there was this one guy on the ledge who said hi and finally convinced me to get on the ledge. Shotek! Kahit sa gay bar, pang-ledge pa rin ang beauty ko. I told the guy dancing with me,"Excuse me, babae po ako!" to which he replied,"I know, honey. You look absolutely beautiful." I was so flattered people prolly noticed my crimson cheeks. It's quite a compliment when a gay acknowledges your beauty.^_^

I had such a great time and it would be one helluva long post to recount every interesting moment I experienced inside Bed. Odd enough, it was amongst these queer folks that I truly felt respected as a woman. No naughty idle hands. No crotch rubbing. Almost... wholesome... if you're a girl.^_^

I wanted Nog to hook up with someone so I joined Abe and his friend Kyle at the Blue Room. It's kinda cool to be myself again. In Puerto Galera, Abe knew me as Chevy. Hihihi...

When I turned to check out the street, I saw Syanta going out of Clubbers'. I went out and she led me to John, who was inside FUCKING FLIRTING WITH A HOE!!! As if on cue, Usher's Burn came up and Syanta and I sang our hearts out in the middle of the deserted dancefloor. That was the time John noticed moi. He appeared shocked as he approached me. He held my hand but I instantly pulled it back and shouted,"Don't worry! Enjoy!"

I'm really not upset at all! He's my fucking gimik buddy, for christsakes. I like it like that - no commitments whatsoever. What was he so bothered about?! Rian, Froi and Syanta didn't help by singing Burn as well and knowingly smiling at John and me.

Anyway, I bid them adieu then went back to Abe and Kyle. We went to Bed to get my bag and Nog. Outside, I saw Johan!^_^ We finally met. We talked a bit but he had to go coz one of his friends was shit-faced already.

Abe, Kyle, Nog and myself hanged out some more at Demalisse. It's a bar beside Arkdia. The second floor was cool. The room had carpet and jumbo pillows were everywhere. There were no chairs and the tables were short, kinda like jap so everyone cozied up on the floor.

At around 6 AM, when we could see through the native blinds that it was already blinding outside, we called it a night.

How's that for an unplanned gimik? How's that for a major bar-hopping? Yeah... this is the life, the life of a bonafide gimikera.^_^

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*.* as if! @ 2:24:00 PM • • RBJ

With a nervous smirk and uncertain voice, he asked,"Can I hold your hand?"

Without taking her gaze from his face, she reached for his hand and felt as it slowly relaxed its grip from the shift stick.

"Ah, this must be love", he said using a contented sigh to punctuate his sentence.

"No, silly, that's just my hand", she replied with a giggle only heard from irritatingly innocent high school girls when they talk to their crushes.

She unbuckled the seatbelt and slid closer, then rested her head on his shoulder.

With every heartbeat, they eased up in place. With every breath, they released their inhibitions and doubt. Their rhythmically galloping heartbeats and stifled heaves drowned the rest of the world.

The red taillights appeared to be twinkling stars. The irate honks sounded to be splashing waves. Nothing could have rained on the flame of attraction being kindled within them.

"What happens now?", she gently inquired to break the comfortable silence.

"Let's not tell. We'll just see", he assuringly whispered.

A lone tear trickled down her right cheek. She didn't bother to wipe it.

Right in the middle of heavy traffic on the highway, in a beat-up automobile, she had found home. She had found home where she least expected to.

Unfortunately, morning came. Wake up and smell the flowers, all withered away.

******************************
*.* as if! @ 1:14:00 PM • • RBJ

I ditched work yesterday. Excreting four months worth of blood from my uterus was too much for my system to handle.

It must have been the sudden rush of hormones but I found myself in tears every waking hour. So, I ended up sleeping most of the day.

When I woke up at 6, I sobbed from the cramps. I tell you, it was the worst ever. I terribly wanted to get rid of my pelvic area.

I went back to sleep and dreamt of last saturday night. It would have been magical; but, the moron claims the magic was all in the alcohol and weeds. He hasn't changed a bit. He's still the imbecile who can't take responsibity for his actions I've known him to be. I've had enough of this. That would prolly be the last I'd see him. But then, haven't I said that far too many times before?

I woke up and wept. My overanalytical mind wandered to thoughts of someone exploiting my kindness. "What is mine is always yours but what is yours is never mine." Stupid girl I am.

I dreamt of seeing Randolf again at Temple last Monday night. Nasty coincidence. It reinforced my hunch that I am quite an attraction to conceited lame-ass perverts. When would God heed my prayers?!

I missed Roselle terribly. I cried and cried and cried. It was a good thing. All those months of denial and facade of acceptance, I finally cried it all out. I realized I've been finding it hard to cry lately. Yesterday, the tears just flowed and flowed and flowed. Perhaps, it alleviated my subconscious anger towards God. My soulmate, how could God be so cruel?

The show I watched last holy week about the apocalypse played in my mind. It has been predicted that the end of the world would come on 2012. The earth as we know it would be gone when I become 27 years old. It made me cry in fright. I realized how terrified I am of death, no matter how strong and unafraid I pretend to be.

Sigh. The downside of having a XX chromosomes.

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*.* as if! @ 12:45:00 PM • • RBJ

It's funny how people assume you're pregnant when you visit a gynecologist. Some people can be so naive.

Anyway, I just had my very first sonogram a.k.a. ultrasound. I must say, if you were a virgin, it is NOT advisable to undergo it. It is so friggin' painful and uncomfortable! Or maybe I just wasn't in the right hands. I didn't have any choice. I'm becoming desperate and Mum's ob-gyne doesn't hold clinic on weekends. I had to settle for that old man whose name I can't even remember.

Here's the funny thing. I haven't had my period in four months [i.e. the last time was in December] but I'm NOT pregnant AND my system is healthy. The former I was quite confident about but the latter was what I was worried about. Mum had an inverted uterus and it's said to be hereditary.

But wait, if I haven't had menstruation for four months and there weren't any suspicious-looking mass of blood or the like, it only means one thing: I HAVE NOT BEEN OVULATING.

What does that make me? Uh... [with shaking voice] babababarren? infertile?

I want to cry. I might not want to have babies soon but I want to have babies SOMEDAY!

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*.* as if! @ 11:15:00 AM • • RBJ

Shall post bootylicious pics later.

[Posted April 5, 2005]

For now, I shall address what my summer get-away with Loiza and Julie did to our normal lives. Marnie broke up with Loiza for the simple reason that Loiza confessed she smoked while at the beach.

Marnie wasn't supposed to know we three were going by ourselves. But Loiza the Genius posted a testimonial on our Barkada profile. Good thing, Marnie was terrified of my threat that if he doesn't allow Loiza to go, I'll kick his sorry ass. Haha, the irate-friend act always works. Instead, he made this list of do's and don'ts for Loiza to follow, which included NO SMOKING and NO TAKING OFF BOARD SHORTS.

We were at Galera and Marnie is in Singapore. Three hot chicks pranced and lounged around the beach half-naked. Who the hey cared about rules.

But, Loiza had to play good girlfriend and told Marnie EVERY FRIGGIN' THING when we came back. Could it be love or just plain stupidity?

Argh. This is one of the many perks of singlehood. I can do anything I want whenever I want wherever I want with whomever I want.

[EDIT: As of publishing, Loiza and Marnie are back together. What do you expect? Marnie wouldn't let Loiza go even if she smoked a ream of Marlboros to his face]

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*.* as if! @ 4:20:00 PM • • RBJ

Filipino texters are in a rut.

In the telecommunication companies' race to being the best, we have been deprived of a reliable network provider.

Is Addict mobile any good? That is, considering they didn't join the bandwagon and offered unlimited call and text services.

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*.* as if! @ 1:30:00 PM • • RBJ

Would the cliche "Love is lovelier the second time around" apply to us or must it be "Lust is lustier the second time around"?

I haven't been this kilig for a long time. I think it'll do my dry hair and skin good.

----------------

Nico était exactement comment il était avant que tout est devenu aigre entre nous, spécifiquement, avant que j'aie perdu mon esprit et aie choisi le womanity. Nico est si sexy maintenant. Tins était droit. Il a non seulement voulu me conduire maison. Elle a dit de ne pas être trop dure sur moi-même. Je devrais sauter sur lui si je veux à. Bien, ce qui circule vient autour. Je pourrais aussi bien l'apprécier tandis qu'il dure.

Je suis dans l'amour la convoitise encore.

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*.* as if! @ 11:24:00 AM • • RBJ

I had the time to read the paper this morning [unbelievable] and as I was scanning through PDI's Lifestyle section, I happened upon this article on Thea Ventura.

She sells very economical summer paraphernalia!

I immediately called her and ordered this, this, this, this, and this.

She'll have it delivered by courier so there's an additional of Php 60.00 which isn't bad at all.

My caprice always gets the better of me but I have enough faith that this is well-worth it since it IS featured on PDI.

Because I love her merchandise so much, I'll do her the favor of free advertisement. Do check out her collection and you can contact her at 09224308084 or 09279182661. [Take note: I immediately called her coz she is on Sun. hihihi]

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*.* as if! @ 11:14:00 AM • • RBJ

I don't feel so good. That 1997 red wine from Chile I drank last night hasn't left my system just yet. Or, maybe I'm just not used to staying awake anymore. I slept all slept all weekend, ditching the Sariaya trip for some zzz's. Or, maybe some force of nature in Saguijo absorbed my positive aura.

Anyway, I think I'll get off work early to buy those glam pumps I saw in U. That'll definitely make me feel better.

Shout-out: Patty and Kassy, stig gig! You have quite talented boys in your hands. In love na ko sa mga bahista! Panalo. Looking forward to the next gigs.

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*.* as if! @ 3:51:00 PM • • RBJ

This morning is one of those that makes me think that the whole fucking universe conspired against me. Terrible is a fucking understatement.

What infuriates me more is the fact that I haven't even blogged about my fucking Puerto Galera escapade and that fucking Bilog-ang-mundo asshole plus my fucking Friday night at Temple and pipin' hot Juddha Paolo. Here I am blogging about a very non-sensical fucking Monday morning. I don't have a choice; I'm too mad to blog about sunshiny things. My fucking fingers are still shaking from rage right this minute.

I woke up with the sun shining on my face in my partially-renovated room. I wiggled my toes to jumpstart my system. All was going perfectly well until I stepped out of the house. Apparently, the strike didn't push through but no jeepney was in sight. After 10 minutes of standing under the scorching sun in my blue wrap-around long sleeves [which Ludwig likes so much, btw], a cab finally showed up.

Now, I'm fucking confused. How does those fucking taxi meters work? Do they fucking charge by the distance or by the duration of the trip? The fucking driver seemed to fucking enjoy the traffic. He was always on the slow-moving lane. So, when we were in Baclaran, I told him, "Manong, anong hinihintay nyo? Lumipat na kayo sa kanan o. Aakyat na `to ng flyover eh.", [Mister, what are you waiting for? Shift to the right lane. This lane goes up the flyover] which he mercifully heeded. He did the same on Pasay. I was so fucking agitated coz I was gonna be late so I got off in the middle of the fucking road.

The fucking stairs going up the MRT didn't help. This woman behind me kept poking my ass with her fucking paperbag. Then, the man in front of me took ten thousand years to get his fucking MRT card from his pocket. It took all my remaining positive energy to fucking restrain myself from shoving him aside.

When I got to the platform, it was filled with fucking passengers but no train was in sight. The number of people waiting on the platform was more than enough to fill one fucking train!

A train finally came and inevitably, I had to balance myself on my fucking stilletos all through the ride. By Magallanes, this fucking woman kept pushing her granddaughter towards the fucking pole and the fucking granddaughter kept stepping on my fucking toe. By Guadalupe, this fucking construction worker reached up for grip on the pole, with my fucking face right next to his reeking armpit. At Shaw, the fucking passengers wouldn't let me get through, hence, I was last in line for the fucking escalator.

I was fucking dripping with sweat. My fucking make-up was gone. My fucking blood pressure has climbed up to critical levels. I was fucking late. What a fucking morning.

I was like a fucking time bomb waiting to set off anytime. I seriously need to take anger management therapy. The hoo-hoo-ha breathing technique I got from Jennifer Love Hewitt in The Tuxedo wouldn't have saved the next fucking person to piss me off.

Good thing the fucking driver of the Expedition didn't honk his horn as I recklessly crossed the road. Othwerwise, he woulda received The fucking Finger. Bless his soul.

As if to mock me, fucking Nescafe had this fucking promo at the shaw station and their fucking speakers were blaring, "One good day coming up... Such a lovely day."

Thank you very much. I just hope this isn't a fucking bad omen to my week.

First to count how many times fuck was mentioned in this post gets a prize.

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*.* as if! @ 9:30:00 AM • • RBJ

• Apply for Credit Card [I'm only eligible for MTV Credit Card because I'm under 21 and these banks think age is more important than maturity or the fact that I earn as much as a typical 25-year-old yuppie!>_<]
• Create website for alumnae association [my first project as an alumna!^_^]
• Locate and do some P.I. work (stalk?^_^) on Angelica Livelo [that's for you, sis!^_^]
• Write a letter of concern addressed to the resident sisses.
• Find a memory stick for our primitive Panasonic NV-C2 camcorder [help, anyone?]
• Apply for a student driver's permit [for the hell of it]
• Apply for an SSS ID [downside of being an adult]
• Apply for a passport [because I'm not some spoiled brat who asks her yaya to do everything]
• Enroll for yoga classes [P 2,000 for 12 sessions every Saturday at 3-5 PM. Stig noh?^_^]

Phew! That's only my major to-do list. Aesthetic to-do like get a hot oil and manicure is not yet included. How the hey will I be able to do these things when I don't even have time to do the most basic to-do of a human being [sleep!]? There should be at least 48 hours in a day. Pshhh...

I remember a time when this list merely included MEN and nothing else worth my time and energy. Now, all the MEN have gone and I'm left with these. I couldn't be more fulfilled and hmmm... orgasmic?^_^

Close your eyes,
Leave the world behind.
Find a place,
Deep inside.
Where you imagine,
That love never dies.
-Sinead O'Connor

Tomorrow, I go to Galera, get sunburned, get high, get drunk, get laid [hopefully?], and forget everything else.

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!

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*.* as if! @ 4:50:00 PM • • RBJ