[SMS number 1]
Cn i ask 4a tym off,floi?M
rily sory i hv bin outa reach,
lyk literaly,ds past fw days,
bt i jst cnt handle d 2 of u w/o
hurtn any1 of u..nor
myself..+ my revalida
[SMS number 2]
s fast aproachn, n its jst
killin me,m scared 2death
tht i may nt pass it..So wht
m doin s jst focus on it,
concntr8 on it,prepare 4 it,
cz i thnk thts d key, d ans
[SMS number 3]
..M sory i knw m askn 2much
frm u agen..Bt i hpe n pray
ul undrstnd..My mind s
swirlin w/ thots n emotions
ryt nw,i jst hv 2tke it out on
u 2..Her studies s also
[SMS number 4]
impt,ur lyf n work s jst as
impt,thts y we all hv 2do
ths..Mke tym 4 ourselvs,
2clear our minds so well
knw wht we nid 2priorityz..I
hope u undrstnd my floi..
[SMS number 5]
Tnx 4 everythn..Plz tke cre
of urself always..
[SMS number 6]
I love u,floi..Shes out of d
qstion..I jst hv 2 clear ths
hurdle in front of me..
Six months... Eight days... Six hours...
But it still feels like I have just read those SMSes for the first time. Fresh as a newly-harvested mango. Yes, they are still saved on my phone if only for the purpose of reminding myself once in every while that I used to be a sappy pathetic li'l girl who cried AT WORK over six text messages.
This still is my last heartbreak. It was the last time I felt that tingle upon someone calling me "my floi". But then, he must have meant to say "I hope you understand ME floi" - twas merely a typo error. It was also the last time I didn't kick a boy in the balls for telling me he loves me. Because deep inside, I not only believed him, I KNEW he meant it.
This, on the other hand, prompted me to be the strong womyn I am now. Gone are the days of boy-dependence. Gone are the days of hoping for a committed relationship. This was the first time I let "it" slip...
My subconscious impulse to see the big picture, the real picture, was won over by my firm decision to move on. I admitted it was over. I had him where I wanted him, anyway - wrapped around my finger. Even for a moment, I had him. I did not bother pushing for a closure; it can't be reached right after a break-up. It was a mere excuse to continue talking and seeing each other. I understood what Ninang Sheila said about not asking questions and letting the feelings fade.
I did not ask questions. The feelings did not fade, though. Not one shade duller. Shit.
Maybe... I still haven't attached myself to any guy... yet... because... I still consider This... time off... Eventually... he'll come back... and tell me... he has cleared all the hurdles in front of him...
*.* as if! @ 4:07:00 PM • • RBJ
®fLoi enjoy 2005©